


Kiss of Grace

by posingasme



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coda for 12x02, Gen, M/M, Sastiel - Freeform, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 13:03:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9072826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/posingasme/pseuds/posingasme
Summary: Castiel's connection with the Winchesters is strong, and older even than their first meeting. But it takes a very long time for him to understand the emotions he feels around Sam in particular.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zetal (Rodinia)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/gifts).



> For Z (returned to life kiss)  
> And  
> Anon (surprise kiss)

There were millennia between his awakening as an angel of the Lord, and the first death of Sam Winchester. It was written in the Winchester Gospels, and in the minds of all angels after the first civil war of Heaven, that Sam would die at the hand of a demon prince’s human lieutenant, Jake Talley. It was how the Righteous Man would lose his way, by selling his soul for the life of his brother. It was written. It was known.

It came to pass.

The anguish of the Righteous Man sent waves of strange sensation over the Host of angels tasked with watching the earth for the Word of God and prophets. Castiel in particular had been blown away by it. There was something familiar in it, something kindred in that pain. Grief, Castiel knew, and anger. But there was something else there, a raw, gritty taste like the mud from which these beings had lifted themselves so long ago.

Guilt. He knew this too, in a way he instinctively knew no angel was meant to. Failure, shame, self-loathing, desperation. Doubt. It was all wrong, all of it. No angel of Heaven should know those things he sensed flooding the Host via Dean Winchester’s broken heart. There was no cause for guilt when everything they did was in their Father's name, and by His will. Why should he know that emotion? It brought on flashes of things that acted like memories but couldn't be, things that must be like human dreams, half-remembered and nonsensical...and each flash was punctuated with the face of an angel he did not know. Naomi. Who was Naomi?

When Sam Winchester was killed by Azazel’s henchman, it was all according to prophecy. Somehow, as he felt the agony wafting from his brother, Castiel couldn't help feeling very sorry they had to be put through all this. He understood the symbolism. Ion had explained it. 

Dean had to suffer the fury and pain of losing his brother just as Michael had done. Dean had to give everything to save his brother, but yet watch him dissolve into corruption, just as Lucifer had done. After breaking the first seal, the Righteous Man, Sword of Michael, would be ready. He would watch helplessly as his brother became a monster, until the last seal broke.

Castiel had used the confusing feelings to strengthen his resolve. His garrison would save the Righteous Man. And together they would all prevent the seals from being destroyed. Lucifer would not rise.

Deep in his heart, where he hid his most private transgressions, Castiel felt a bit of excitement at the upcoming meeting with Sam Winchester. Any man who produced such vehement grief and suffering, in one such as the Righteous Man, must be something incredibly special.

*** 

Flying into Hell for Dean was one thing. Castiel had been fighting with his garrison then, back to back with brothers and sisters he had literally been made to go into battle with. Each loss of a comrade was devastating, but none of them dared waver for an instant. Azazel's horde and Alistair’s minions flung themselves into the fray with religious fervor. Castiel loathed zealots. They were volatile and unyielding.

They had tormented John Winchester, tortured him and ripped at his humanity without mercy. But John had his stubbornness to shelter him. Dean's had worn thin. Pain had not broken John, so for his son, they had been more creative, brought in Alistair himself, eaten away at the wound left in his soul called “brother.” If too much heart was Castiel's weakness, too much devotion was Dean's. When Death snipped the tether holding the brothers together, each man lost his mind.

Much like Michael and Lucifer had, Castiel supposed. 

So the dive into Hell had taken its toll, but it was a worthy mission, a rescue, and it happened that Castiel himself had been the first to grab hold of what was left of Dean Winchester. Demons had clawed at him in desperation, and he had been forced to cast Dean back into his resting place, in order to free himself to fight back the horde that tried to stop them. He sent out a hasty cry to the Host, “Dean Winchester is saved!” Then he returned to the battle to lead his remaining garrison soldiers from the fires, until finally he was able to get back to earth and try communicating with the Righteous Man. 

This time, it was about Sam.

The first time Sam had died, Castiel had felt only Dean's pain. This time, when Sam had grabbed hold of two archangels and leapt into the pit, Castiel had been returned to life, only to feel a stab of pain strike his heart. He thought at first it was Dean's pain he felt, like before, and he went to heal him and offer what comfort he could. He took care of Dean and Bobby, but still an emptiness gnawed at him. Relief at averting the Apocalypse, shock at finding himself both alive and more powerful than ever...It all began to sour as he realized the depth of his grief for Sam. It was completely unlike the time Dean had been reaped over and over, only to be reset by Gabriel. It wasn't even like the time Sam had been struck by lightning, then brought back by a wish. And it was not like the time those hunters had murdered both brothers. That had been an opportunity, and Castiel had been entirely obsessed with finding his Father at that time. No, this was different. This grief was uninterrupted by attention to a mission, and it ate him away as he thought of how Sam had given everything for the world, and yet would never know any relief from his suffering.

Forever was a very long time, and Castiel knew that better than any human. He had to try to save Sam. 

He could promise Dean nothing. Inevitably, he would get himself killed in this rescue attempt. But he felt the glory of God on his side; had he not been resurrected by his Father? Vindication flushed through his borrowed vessel, and the moment he decided to risk the descent into Hell for Sam, he had given himself over to the pride that would be his downfall one day.

But not that day. He had not crept into the netherworld as before. He had flown down in a righteous fury. Preparation had included research on the Cage itself; Sam might've been impressed by his study. Unlike his terrifying big brothers, Sam was still anchored to the earth. Therefore he was in a strange state of both inside the Cage with the archangels and yet apart from it. Castiel was confident he could pull Sam from the Cage by the physical form which remained outside of it. After all, the part of Sam inside with the others was the incorporeal part of him. Surely Castiel's mission was to save the vessel itself, and the incorporeal portion would remain intact with the rest of him. Save the vessel, save the man.

It seemed like a triumph, then, when he had peeled Sam's body from Hell, smiting demons and hellhounds like a dark, holy storm on his way. In his elation at reaching the surface, he had taken a liberty with Sam he had never meant to take, never even consciously considered taking.

Castiel kissed him. Through him flowed the touch of grace which would bring life back to the martyr. Instead of the two fingers he had always used to deliver his healing, he felt the awesome sensation of life pouring from his own mouth into Sam's. And for just an instant, at the moment life returned to him, his human returned the gesture.

It had frightened Castiel. Not in quite the same way as when Dean had taken him to that den of iniquity before they had summoned Raphael. This was frightening on an entirely different level. The wealth of emotion that hit him was overwhelming. He had flinched with it, flown from his reviving human. 

For all his foolhardy heroism, it had not turned out to be his most courageous moment after all.

***

When Toni Bevell sent Castiel into an involuntary flight in a random direction, Castiel's first thought upon his terrible landing was that he had probably been dispelled by a sigil more frequently than any other angel in history, and he was tired of it. He picked himself up out of the dirt, and his second thought was the need to return to Sam's side, to face whatever danger was lurking in the bunker shadows. His third thought was to curse his broken wings. It was unclear yet if he would ever be able to fly again. But he could fight, and that was all he did till the moment he saw his beloved human again. 

What a relief to find Dean alive! And his mother? After indulging in a very necessary hug, Castiel refocused on the mission to find Sam. He was grateful to have Dean's help, and Mary's too. He sensed conflict in Dean's heart, but that could wait until after Sam had been found.

It wasn't until even Dean suggested he calm his tactics with the veterinarian that he realized how frantic to find Sam he had become. Dean knew best. Castiel deferred to him with somewhat impatient, but eternal trust. They would find Sam. And Mary was an impressive human. She had some tricks too.

Being forced to wait outside while his human charges faced danger on their own was excruciating. And when at last the suspicious Mick Davies arrived, and Castiel was physically able to cross into the location that held his friends, his family, he had been hoping to find someone who needed to be smote. 

He had waited with growing turmoil in his stomach-a very odd sensation-until Dean had nodded him forward to heal. He had healed Dean and Mary first, and they had hurried to the surface to ensure that they were not being watched. 

Then Castiel had knelt beside Sam.

“May I heal you, Sam?” he asked softly.

The hunter tried to smile. “What-what makes you think I would like that?”

Castiel's eyes narrowed. “I suppose it was the smell of burned-”

“Yes, Cas. Please.” 

He nodded, and pressed his fingers to the man's temple gently. He watched the relief wash over Sam, and it did something to his heart that he wouldn't have been able to describe even if he had been inclined.

“Thank you, Castiel,” Sam murmured wearily. “Are you all right?”

Now his heart beamed a little. “Why do you always ask about me?” 

“I suppose it was the pain in your eyes.” 

The angel took a long breath. “Sam, I'm so sorry I wasn't able to protect you.”

“You were blasted away, Cas. What were you supposed to do?” 

“From everything,” he added. “From everything that has ever hurt you. I'm so sorry.”

A true smile spread on Sam's handsome face. He raked his fingers through his hair, now clean of blood and sweat, and he lowered his gaze from Castiel's. “You know, pain I can take. I can and I have. But it's the illusions that get to me.” 

Empathy struck Castiel in the chest. These monsters had used illusions against Sam. Of course they had. Why couldn't everyone simply leave their minds alone? From Zachariah to Naomi to Rowena, Castiel couldn't tell whose puppet he would be next. And no one knew that terrible feeling of being manipulated like Sam Winchester did.

“I used to get visions. I guess you know that. And so many creatures have been inside my head. Especially…” 

“Lucifer,” Castiel sighed miserably. It was a nightmare they had shared, both the reality of being possessed by the Devil and being tormented until catatonic by the aftermath of the Cage. 

But Sam was still smiling. “Yeah. But there's this one time I can remember having a hallucination that...It was something good. Something…” He laughed. “A kiss. You'll think it's funny.”

Castiel suspected he might not find this story funny at all.

“I was thinking of this before, while the bitch was working me over. I needed something to hold onto. I mean, pure stubborn will is great, but it helps to focus on something worth fighting for, you know? And I thought Dean was gone, didn't know about-about my mom...Anyway, I have this recurring dream of you tearing me from the Cage.”

“Soulless,” Castiel breathed. 

“Yeah, well, you didn't know that. Neither did I when I first woke up. In the dream, I'm asleep and there's this bright white light and beautiful blue eyes, and these shadow-black wings, and...Well, it's obviously you. And you wake me up with-with a-a kiss. Dumb, huh? Anyway, I thought you might think it was funny. That it was that I was holding onto when I needed something to anchor me.” 

“Not dumb at all. I'm...Sam, I'm honored that a thought of me was sufficient to keep you centered to withstand their inflictions.”

At last, the eyes raised to meet his. “So you don't think it's funny.”

He took a deep breath. “Sam, when I took you from Hell, I was…” This confession was long overdue. With all the monsters out there stealing Sam's will, he shouldn't be one of them. “Sam, I was overwrought with grief for the loss of you, then bursting with relief at having brought you back. In that moment, I lost my senses and delivered my grace with a kiss.”

Sam nodded very slowly. “So you did kiss me.”

“I'm so sorry, Sam. I never meant-”

Without warning, Sam's lips were on his, Sam's large hands were on his face, his body against Castiel's body. The angel was so surprised that he stared at the man through the entire contact. He also forgot to breathe, so that when Sam finally released him, it gushed from him all at once. 

“Sam!” he cried out. “You've kissed me!”

The hunter gave him a shaky smile. “Now we're even. So it can be over. Or...or if you wanted, it could be the start of something.”

Shock would not release Castiel. He simply stared.

Sam took hold of his hand. “Do you want to kiss me, Cas?” 

“It's my heart's deepest desire!” he blurted out. 

He laughed quietly. “I've been in love with you for years. You're the only dream I ever want to have.”

Castiel felt his broken wings flutter in joy. He held Sam's hand in both of his own, just as he had when they first met. 

There were always forces attempting to destroy the world around them. But Sam was his world, and although Castiel had been created as a soldier and not a guardian, he wanted to watch over his human in every way. 

“I love you, Sam.” 

Sam smiled and leaned forward, and they each embraced a life-giving kiss between them.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are wonderful things, just like kisses. 
> 
> ~Posing


End file.
